Don't know what you've got till it's gone

I don't know what to say.  I don't think I've gotten very personal on my blog before and I truly don't want to bring it down, but for some reason I feel like I need to spend a minute here.  Strange.

So funny how in my last entry I mentioned the fact that we decided not to have any more children........ actually it's more ironic than anything.  So, on the fourth I had a pregnancy test which came out negative and proceded to have an IUD put in.  There was a little voice that said to wait one more week .......... didn't listen.

So, I seemed to be fine and began spotting........ thinking this was normal.  Then, I thought it was weird how I hadn't any cramping with it and started wondering.  Put if off of to the fact that this is "normal" and kept plugging away.  More than a week later, I finally started cramping here and there thinking I was getting my period..... again, normal.

But, just like Magnum always said about his little voice............ mine kept whispering to me.  So, Monday I took a pregnancy test.  It was positive. 

The phone calls began, first to Darren.......... no answer.  Then to the clinic........ told to go to the ER........ and then to my sister.

Darren called right back and I lost it.  I just had soooo much guilt and worry.  I already loved this little baby.........

So, I went to the ER and had a pregnancy test and an ultrasound.  Darren made it home in record time and was there to see the little yolk sac on the screen.  His face said so much and it killed me. 

Needless to say, the damned IUD was removed and I was sent home with instructions to stay off of my feet and call my OB/GYN.  Yesterday morning I headed to St. Mary's for a blood test to see what my hormone levels are........... I find out this afternoon.  I must say that Dr. Mixson is just the most wonderful doctor/person on the planet.  He personally came out into the lobby and took me back.  Took the blood sample himself........... I've never had a doctor take my blood before and I must implore you to try it......... I DID NOT FEEL THE NEEDLE..........AT ALL PEOPLE!

So, here I've been.  Not knowing if I have this little one or not.  Just like a Music......... I'm sure it's a sneaky little boy....... worming his little way in here and causing his Mom and Dad to panick.

I'm still cramping and bleeding and so I'm pretty sure it's too late.  You really don't know what you've got till it's gone.  I'm trying hard to be positive but yet don't want to hope too much.  I'm sorry to lay this on ya'll here but I feel a pull to do it.  I believe in the power of hope and prayer............ maybe this is why.

I shall listen to my little voice from now on.......... every single time without fail.  I'll let ya'll know what's going on as soon as I hear something.

Comments

[northernmichiganmom]

I am so hoping and praying for you! As I read this post it brought tears to my eyes. I have been through a similar situation and can feel your heart ache. I was surprised to be pregnant one time because we had decided to be done after two but it happened and I fell head over heals instantly for that baby. I later miscarried and think about it often. It still baffles me after having two heathy pregnancies why it had to happen. Anyway, keep your chin up and I will be thinking of you. Hang on little one.

[Meredith]

Prayers are being sent. Please update when you can!!! Wishing, hoping, and praying for the best....

[heather]

oh judi, sending love, prayers and blessings your way! it's hard to know what to say... be well.

[Megan]

I'm so sorry - that's incredibly painful for you.

[Rhiannon]

dear, dear Judi. I really don't know what to say, except that I'll be thinking of you, and your family and sending all the love and luck in the world your way. <3

[kimberlee]

oh judi, I am sending prayers your way. Such a tramatic event and we all hope the little one hangs on.

Thanks for reminding us to listen to that little voice. always.

xoxoxo,
Kimberlee

[melissa]

thinking of you from the other side of the world, judi. what a painful thing for you. what will be, will be. and you're a strong person, all will be well. xx

[manda]

I'm so sorry Judi, I don't know how I missed this and I feel dreadful for not realising what you've been going through. xoxo