Waiting for the shoe

It's what I did.  For years and years.  

I think it was my first entry for A Day A Weigh when I told you that I seemed to be a "Happy Cow" when things were going well in my life and then didn't eat when I was stressed or under pressure.  

Well, I've been thinking about this alot, and I've come to the realization that it's totally crazy for me to think this.  Let me explain what I mean and while I'm at it.... apologize if I get too personal.  I've started this blog to try to help me be the person I want/should be and it seems to help to write it, share it and hear back from others who feel the same way.  Here goes:

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I married my high school "sweetheart" when I was 17 years old.  (Just in case you didn't get that.... let me spell it out... S.E.V.E.T.E.E.N YEARS OLD.)  Still with me? 

I moved eight hours away to Mobile Alabama, got a job as a photographer at Olan Mills and managed to do pretty good.  My now ex-husband, we'll just call him Mr. Lyinghisassoffeverysecondhebreathes was in the Coast Guard and was away quite a bit..... so I pretty much lived on my own.  (I liked it too!).  My Mom & Dad taught me well since I went to work, paid my bills on time and managed to keep my apartment from buring down.   

Moving along.... years later...

Now I live in New Jersey... 20 something hours away from home.  Still okay... worked and had friends.  But... this is when I think he started being Mr. Lyinghisassoffeverysecondhebreathes.  Of course back then I was a mere 19/20 year old and was soooo young, trusting and naive. 

And the Jack Ass knew it and began taking advantage of it.  Looking back now..... of course I can see it all.  In short.... there were times he was away training and would be "asleep" when I'd call his hotel room and would miss my call and even once when I had to take Pills for what the Coast Guard doctor called an "infection".  Funny, he had to take them too.

Moving on...

Years later we had two sweet, precious baby boys.  I can't describe how much they were wanted by me.... and how much I loved them.  He loved em too..... but after my second boy was born things got worse.  Without getting even more personal......... he lied, snuck, cheated and screwed me over more times than I know of.  I knew things had to be going on but couldn't prove a thing.  

Just imagine how hard that is knowing in your gut that the father of your boys was lying... but you couldn't prove it.  When I started to really point fingers I got the " you're crazy" line.  (And various other titles).  So many times I'd talk myself down from the ledge of leaving using any excuse I could find. 

I was stuck.  My life went from feeling like the ugliest, fattest, craziest un-educated person ............to doing my best to be happy.  I had many, many talks with myself over the years to relieve the guilt I felt over how I allowed him to treat me.  Nobody really knew as I kept it all hidden the best I could.  I was so alone.

Then one fateful day I had a friend tell me that he had a girlfriend. The shoe fell and hit me right on the head.

 

A year of "trying" to make it work, didn't work.  After catching him on my computer looking at things that shouldn't be looked at ..... I had enough.  He obviously wasn't trying. 

I was obviously growing up.  Finally.

On the way home from school I told the boys that we were going to be moving out of our house, back to our old town and into a different house without Daddy.  I told them that we were still going to be friends but wouldn't be married anymore.  I told them that we both loved them and that wasn't ever going to change.

My younger boy just started Kindergarten was sitting in the back of the car and said:  "I don't like Daddy".  My guilt vanished.

Almost two years later, after EVERYTHING was tried and after the last lie I could hear from him...... I called a lawyer and filed for divorce.  I used my income tax return money and paid for it myself. 

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The point I'm trying to make is, is that I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  That damn shoe was always dangling over my head threatening me with every windfall that blew my way. 

There was always lots of wind. 

I wasn't a happy cow..... I was a scared, tired, lonely nervous wreck that had to fool herself into thinking all was okay...... constantly. 

Now, I'm married again.  This time I was 32 and knew what the Hell I was doing.  I wasn't going to let was Mr. Lyinghisassoffeverytimehebreathes to keep me from having what everyone dreams of.  He wasn't going to win.

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But, here I am...... fat again.  Am I still waiting for that shoe?  I guess I am. I know that in my mind/heart that I shouldn't be because I chose well.  I found someone who had character and loved me so much it was intoxicating. He loved my boys too... and they him.

It's hard to give him all of my trust.  Not because of who his is of course, but because of who I am or worse yet...... who I was.  I'm still that girl with shoes tangling above my head.  I don't want to be her anymore.

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So, with all of this thinking...... I've come to a conclusion.

It's simple, I've got to knock it the Hell off.  The shoe is there...... it will always be there but until I feel the wind blowing....... I'm going to see it as tied very tightly to that electric pole and will not worry about it falling.

What kind of life am I to have with constant anxiety?  And how fair is it to my Angel of a Husband for me to feel this way? 

So, this is my new plan. I'm going to:

"Dance like nobody's watching; love like you've never been hurt. Sing like nobody's listening; live like it's heaven on earth. 

Did ya'll know Mark Twain said that?  He did.  He was a smart man.

It's more than likely not going to be as easy as I make it sound but I'm sure gonna try.  In fact, I've been trying for a week now and can already see a difference in my self esteem and with my relationship with my man. 

It's real nice.   I like it. 

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(Mr. Lyinghisassoffeverytimehebreathes update:  He is now engaged to his third wife who is almost 10 years younger than he.  Last week was my younger sons birthday to which he gave him $20.00 as a gift...... but "forgot it" at his house.  He lies to his kids too.  That's a whole nother blog entry!)

*I have to let you guys know that my boys know nothing of what happened between us.  I have kept it to myself all of these years to keep them from feeling like they have a piece of crap for a Dad...... I believe they are slowly but surely figuring this out for themselves.  In the meantime..... they have their StepDad who is almost a hard ass to them but expresses his love and desire for them to be good men.  They get their stability and character from our household.  Slowly but surely, they'll figure this out too*

*They also know nothing of this blog.... I love them too much to share this crappy information!

Comments

[Ashley]

I think you were very courageous to have stood up for yourself all those years ago. And I think that what you've been through has made you very strong. That's who you are..a courageous and strong woman who makes her own path through life. So with every pound you lose, think of it as shedding burdens that have held you down for so long, and the true you is emerging who is so strong and confident in herself that nothing can stop her. And remember that no one can make you feel bad without your permission.

[Debra Walters]

Wow~was that first comment left by "my" Ashley??? I wish you had confided in me all those years ago because I kind of suspected it anyway!!!! I know that your boys will figure everything out and when they do they will realize what a fantastic Mom they have!!!! They will also figure out what a great Stepfather they have too!!! Remember that you can always count on me ~ I love you, not because you are my sister but because you are my best friend!!!!

[Joy]

You can do this!

p.s. you always find the best quotes!

[Jerrilynn]

Baby Juju,
That is how I see you and think of you!
I write this through tears of My Guilt and with My Heart tearing~~~
I am sorry I moved away and was not there to see or help or hug!
I am and have ALWAYS Been MORE THEN PROUD OF YOU FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU HAVE DONE AND ARE DOING NOW!
Being the BEST MOM of the BEST FOUR CHILDREN EVER! Jealuos cause I could only have Two.
Being able to create and get known for your Talent! Wow!
Please~ now I know how you feel I too have a shoe that is hanging over my head as you can figure out what type of shoe it is..... I have been tring really hard to climb that phone pole and untie that shoe for over 30 years and right now I feel in my heart I am only a little more then half way... I will help you in anyway I can cause YOU ARE HELPING ME MORE THEN YOU WILL EVER KNOW ~ BEING BRAVE and Bloging this.
Love You :)